The Marriage Builder

Nurses Week is May 6-12

2009-03-06T09:50:00.000-08:00

Energize the caregivers in your organization with:

"The Magic of Making a Difference"

Honor the nurses in your organization who devote their lives to caring for others by booking a special event. Barbara Bartlein, RN, has presented her magical keynote, "The Magic of Making a Difference," across the country to thousands of nurses. This high energy presentation is funny, motivational and inspirational. It features Barb's stories from Chicken Soup for the Nurse's Soul and celebrates the special gifts of caregivers everywhere.

Barb will present three sessions for your organization so everyone can attend. She is also available for a FREE book signing for employees and staff.

Limited Budget?

Get "The Magic of Making a Difference" in a webinar format for your staff. Recorded with a powerpoint, it is accessible at any time for staff to enjoy over and over again. All they need is a computer and a telephone.

Bring some "magic" to your organization this Nurses Week.

Call today to reserve your spot!

888-747-9953

For more information, please visit:

The People Pro

Happiness, Money and the Pursuit of Both

2008-08-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

Money does not seem to make us happy. Not only do we want what we don’t have, we aren’t always sure what exactly it is that we want. And often, once we get it, it doesn’t make us happy. In fact, people have interesting attitudes about money and what it can do for them and what they will do to get it.

These are the conclusions of a number of research projects conducted by psychologists, economists and social scientist from the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Illinois, Princeton University and others. Numerous studies are evaluating the connection between happiness and money.

In the book, Are You Normal About Money?, author Bernice Kanner outlines responses from a public survey posted on the Bloomberg Web site. According to respondents, sixty-five percent would live on a deserted island for a year for $1 million dollars. Sixty percent would even admit to a crime that they didn’t do and serve six months in jail for the amount—and 10 percent would lend their spouse for a night. For $10 million, most of us would do just about anything: one-fourth would abandon our friends, our family, and our church. And for that amount of money, 7 percent—one in every fourteen of us—would even murder.

Part of the problem with money is that people want more. Thanks to fifty plus years of mass media pushing merchandise at us, we are convinced that more will make us happier. For decades, Lewis Lapham has been asking people how much money they would need to be happy. “No matter what their income,” he reports, “a depressing number of Americans believe that if only they had twice as much, they would inherit the estate of happiness promised them in the Declaration of Independence. The man who receives $15,000 a year is sure that he could relieve his sorrow if he had only $30,000 a year; the man with $1 million a year knows that all would be well if he had $2 million a year…Nobody, he concludes, “ever has enough.”

Yet, there is no firm research that supports the notion that more will make us happier. The Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences in California examined data from 20 nations regarding happiness. In each country, rich people reported more happiness than the poor. But in comparing nations overall, the pattern was mixed, with the happiness levels for poor countries often nearly as high as they were for richer ones. (The United States was tops in happiness, but Cuba was a close second.)

While Americans have become more affluent, they happiness levels have not really increased. In a series of studies by the University of Chicago, the average U.S. family has become 60% richer in the last thirty years, they are not significantly happier. In 1960, approximately 42% of Americans surveyed pronounced themselves “very happy.” A similar poll in 1990, found that 43% were “very happy.”

What seems to matter most for your sense of well-being and your happiness level is how you stack up against your neighbors. People tend to use this yardstick of comparison to evaluate their money and circumstances. Even a millionaire will feel miserable in the company of billionaires.

An example is found in the wild financial years of the mid-eighties, when many New York investment bankers earning “only” $600,000 a year felt poor and suffered from depression, anxiety, and loss of confidence. On less than $600,000, they were unable to keep up with their neighbors, colleagues and friends. As one broker described his lack of success, “I’m nothing. You understand that, nothing. I earn $250,000 a year, but it’s nothing, and I’m nobody.”

This is the problem with money and consumption. Each new luxury quickly becomes a necessity and then an even newer luxury must be identified. We become convinced that we need the flat screen TV, granite counter tops, and heated seats in the new car. From early on, we learn a pattern of consumption that is focused on “extrinsic values,” of obtaining more to make us happy.

There is increasing evidence, however, that the pursuit of affluence has damaging psychological effects, including severe depression and anxiety. In a series of case studies dating to 1993, Ryan and Kasser examined the effects of pursuing money and material goods. Focusing excessively on obtaining wealth was found to create a lower sense of well-being and self-esteem. Everyone who sought affluence as a goal had a lower score for happiness.

There was one point that all research on happiness seemed to agree; happy people do better than unhappy people in most realms of life; they have better social relationships, do more volunteer work, have better health and make more money. So money may not make you happier, but being happy may make you more money.

Copyright 2008 by Barbara Bartlein. All rights reserved.

For more information to build your relationship, please visit: Marriage Tips

Nurses Week is May 6-10. Book Your Event Now!

2008-02-10T16:51:00.000-08:00

Honor the nurses who devote their lives to caring for others by booking a special event. Barbara Bartlein, RN, has presented her magical keynote, "The Magic of Making a Difference," across the country to thousands of nurses.

Designed for the helping professions, this entertaining and inspirational presentation motivates with laughter. Successful, happy people are those focused on giving to others and following their own personal passion. They lead balanced, purposeful lives utilizing humor to keep a perspective.

In this presentation, participants learn:

To identify the three factors for happiness
To maximize humor to cope with difficult situations
How to understand others
The importance of doing the right thing
How to avoid the expectation machine
The value of small kindnesses in making a difference

Book Barbara NOW to reserve your spot for Nurse's Week

FREE Couples Workbook

2007-11-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

The new edition of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? is now available. Order yours on Amazon and receive a FREE Couples Workbook and Special Reports. Simply forward the e-mail receipt to barb@thepeoplepro.com and I will send your your FREE gifts.

Order the revised and expanded edition of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? Overcoming the Myths That Hinder a Happy Marriage and I will send you absolutely FREE:

A comprehensive Couples Workbook that includes quizzes and exercises you can do together.
Special Report--25 Tips to Get Home From The Office Sooner
Special Report--Blasting the Flues.
This offer is worth over $40.00. Why are we doing this? Because this raises our numbers on Amazon and helps to promote the book.

If you write a review on Amazon (assuming you like the book) I will also send you Joan Stewarts E-Book on the Publicity Tips for 2006. This Free e-book includes 24 of Joan's very best publicity tips from her free ezine. Simply let me know that you wrote a review and I will send it immediately for download.

Order your copy now at Why Did I Marry You Anyway?

Marriage Counseling--The Top Three Things That You Must Talk About Before Saying "I Do"

2007-11-19T18:15:00.000-08:00

The wedding preparations seem endless; send the invitations, order the cake, choose the flowers, pick out a dress, etc. Couples run in a frenzy, especially as the important date gets closer. The wedding is the constant topic of conversation but are you and your partner taking the time to talk about what is really important?

Too often, more attention is given to the wedding day than is given to preparing for marriage. To my amazement many couples say “I Do,” without any discussion of the issues that often lead to divorce. Perhaps there is magical thinking that “things will just work out,” or “it will be better after we are married.”

The top three issues that you need to discuss before you say “I do” are money, sex, and kids. These are the top concerns that couples argue about after marriage. You will avoid a lot of conflict if you can reach some agreement on key questions.

Money. There are five different money personalities; planners, savers, strugglers, impulsives and deniers. Planners are careful savers and enjoy financial planning. Savers are extremely careful with their money and seldom see their finances upset by unexpected events. But they are hesitant to take any risks. Strugglers have frequent set backs with their finances. Impulsives are not disciplined to save and plan for the future. And deniers dislike financial planning and don’t worry about the future.

It is important that you and your partner understand your money personality and come to some agreements. Research has shown that planners and savers are the best money managers and wise couples let the partner with that personality handle the money. If neither of you have developed those skills then it is important to seek outside assistance.

Sex. Many couples are shocked to find that their sexual needs are different. Or they have the unrealistic expectation that sex and romance will be like when they first met. Sex lives ebb and flow and wise couples communicate about their needs. A commitment to build intimacy both in and out of the bedroom is essential. You can arrive at a comfortable agreement as to frequency and other issues by some careful communication.

What happens outside of the bedroom is as important as the activity behind closed doors. Research has shown that men who do housework have better sex lives. Couples who partner in activities of daily living find that this partnership spills into the bedroom as well. A little romance, understanding and communication outside of the bedroom enhances intimacy in a marriage.

Kids. Basic question: do you want them? I know, this seems obvious. Yet I have married couples who come to counseling arguing whether they want children. This needs to be discussed before you say “I do.” And if your partner says they REALLY don’t want them, don’t count on changing their mind after marriage. It probably won’t happen.

Sometimes couples already have children and disagree on how to raise them. It is important to talk about and arrive at a shared philosophy of parenting. This does not mean that you have to agree on everything. It is very common that one parent is more of the disciplinary but philosophy, strategies and approaches to child rearing need to be discussed.

Talk about these issues before saying “I do” and you and your partner will be able to navigate the challenges of a long term relationship.

FREE marriage quizzes to determine your money personality, to increase intimacy and evaluate your parenting style at Marriage Tips

Get your copy of the revised and expanded edition of Why Did I Marry You Anyway?

Check out Barb's other websites at Personality Test, The People Pro, and Stress Management

Marriage Counseling--The New Edition of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? Now Available

2007-11-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

The new and expanded edition of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? is now available for purchase. You will discover the secrets the experts use to help couples build and maintain a long term relationship. You will learn:

The myths that hinder a happy marriage
The top three issues that couples fight about
Why love is not enough
How to argue effectively
The glue for a long term marriage

Get your copy now at Amazon or Marriage Tips.

Nurse's Week--May 6-12, 2008 Book Your Event Now!

2007-10-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

Honor the nurses who devote their lives to caring for others by booking a special event. Barbara Bartlein, RN, has presented her magical keynote, "The Magic of Making a Difference," across the country to thousands of nurses.

Designed for the helping professions, this entertaining and inspirational presentation motivates with laughter. Successful, happy people are those focused on giving to others and following their own personal passion. They lead balanced, purposeful, lives utilizing humor to keep a
perspective. In this presentation, participants learn:

To identify the three factors for happiness
To maximize humor to cope with difficult situations
How to understand others
The importance of doing the right thing
How to avoid the expectation machine
The value of small kindnesses in making a difference

Book Barbara NOW to reserve your spot for Nurse's Week!

Marriage Counseling-How is the Health of Your Relationship?

2007-07-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

The best relationships are friendships that catch fire. How well do you know your partner and their view of the world? Answer the following questions to find out.

1. I understand my partner’s philosophies about life.
Yes / No

2. I consider my partner to be my very best friend.
Yes / No

3. We often touch and kiss for no particular reason.
Yes / No

4. I call my partner several times a day.
Yes / No

5. I understand my partner’s dreams for the future.
Yes / No

6. We find our sex life is fun and satisfying.
Yes / No

7. We touch base everyday about how our day is going.
Yes / No

8. If I have a problem, I talk with my partner.
Yes / No

9. We have scheduled activities that we look forward to.
Yes / No

10. We have similar values and goals.
Yes / No

11. I think that my partner has high integrity.
Yes / No

12. I can’t wait to get home at the end of the day.
Yes / No

13. We have favorite traditions for many of the holidays.
Yes / No

14. I feel that my partner respects me.
Yes / No

15. We enjoy many of the same activities.
Yes / No

16. My partner understands my family.
Yes / No

17. My partner makes me laugh.
Yes / No

How many “Yes” answers did you have?

15 or more: You have a strong relationship built on friendship.

9-14: You have a good base but additional work will enhance your relationship. This is a good time to utilize additional tools.

8 or fewer: Get busy or you and your partner risk drifting apart.

For more tips and ideas to build your relationship, please visit: Marriage Tips and Marriage Tools

Marriage Counseling--Seven Tips for a Great Family Vacation

2007-05-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

Too many family vacations end in disaster because of unrealistic expectations or poor planning according to Barbara Bartlein, author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Successful Marriage (Cumberland House Press). “The family vacation is an annual tradition for many Americans and can have a significant bonding effect for couples and children. Careful planning makes all the difference.” She recommends:

Identify activities that all family members can enjoy. There should be something for everyone. From petting zoos to shopping malls, identify the must-do activity for everyone involved. Some clans use a family meeting to pre-plan the trip. This is also a great time to obtain agreement that vacations are give and take and involve compromise. It is usually impossible to please everyone all the time.
Make plans that are age appropriate. It is unrealistic to embark on a long car trip with very young children. They will be miserable and so will you. Small children do much better with short trips that include plenty of opportunity to play. Likewise, most teenagers will be bored with stops at museums and areas of historical interest; they prefer the shopping mall. You will save yourself a lot of misery if you understand the attention span and interests of your children.
Be prepared to wait. Whether by plane, train or automobile, travel can involve delays and waiting. Bring games, books, and other time fillers in case there is time to kill. Make “getting there,” half the fun with all understanding that some glitches while traveling are the norm, not the exception.
Beware of too much togetherness. You don’t have to spend every minute of every day together. Part of a great vacation is also getting some time alone to reflect and think. You can also team up with different family members based on interests. It allows an opportunity to reconnect in new ways.
Expect the unexpected. While annoying at the time, some of the best memories and funniest stories are the things that aren’t expected. Like adjusting the motor on the boat and watching as it falls to the bottom of the lake or raccoons loose in the cabin. These events are the fodder for stories around the campfire for years.
Keep a sense of humor. Try to enjoy the special moments of just being together taking time to laugh and play. It’s a funny thing. I have worked since I was 16 years old and can barely remember one workday from another. But I can tell you the details of every vacation from the last twenty years.

Copyright 2005 by Barbara Bartlein. All rights reserved.

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For more tips to build your relationships and balance your life, visit Barb's other websites at:

Marriage Tips, Marriage Counseling, Personality Test, Stress Management

Marriage and Family--Dealing With the Pointy-Haired Boss

2007-02-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the character from the Dilbert comic strip, he has come to represent all clueless managers, especially those technologically challenged. He is described by Dilbert author Scott Adams as "every employee's worst nightmare." Unscrupulous and mean, his top priorities are the bottom line and looking good to his superiors.

The Pointy-Haired Boss can be spotted taking credit for other people's ideas, projects, and work. He jumps up quickly at meetings to exclaim how much effort he has put into a new venture. Reluctant to thank his team or the people who actually did the labor, the PHB wants to make sure that his superiors know how hard he works.

The PHB stays current on all the latest business trends, though he rarely understands them. He is quick to adopt the hottest buzzwords and uses them to try to impress others with his business savvy. He gets excited over mission statements, strategic plans and teambuilding exercises. To see Dilbert's Boss in action producing mission statements, visit: Dilbert Mission Statements You can see the boss saying, "Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah."

Technology is just another way to waste time and promote himself for the PHB. He regularly "ego surfs," the process of surfing the web to see how many times his name turns up and what people are saying about him. He occasionally blogs some useless information just to see his name in print.

The PHB uses e-mail to make himself look good. He can be found adding his two cents to the memos from the boss resulting in a "kudo loop" of meaningless e-mails. He carefully follows up to any subordinate's e-mail with comments of his own to make it look like the idea was orginally his. This process of "e-dundanting" others with a flurry of e-mails is designed so that everyone knows how hard he toils.

Working for a PHB is discouraging and intimidating. He dominates others with his unrelenting quest to get ahead. Often driven by an insecurity deeply rooted in his childhood, he uses others rather than getting some psychotherapy.

Paul works for such a boss. Quiet and soft spoken, Paul is highly educated with a degree from Yale, and displays exceptional talent in sales and marketing. He has put together a number of marketing plans and promotional campaigns and forwarded them to the PHB for approval before implementation. He waits for a reponse. And he waits some more.

Several months later, the PHB presents one of his plans with minor changes at the sales meeting. While he mentions that his staff "helped" with the project, he does not credit Paul by name. Paul attempts to talk with the boss about his behavior but is told, "Look, I'm in charge here. Just do your job."

That is one of the main problems with working for a PHB; it is highly unlikely that any intervention on your part will make any difference in how he operates. You can attempt to talk with him or form a relationship but will not be successful. The PHB is not interested in you and your success; he just wants to get ahead.

Perhaps the most discouraging part of working for the PHB is that his success also says something about the leadership of the organization. They are either totally clueless or completely incompetent or both. They miss the obvious about the PHB that everyone else can see; he is lousy at managing people and inept in his job. How can top management not see this?

The answer is simple: they are incompetent or just don't care. Either way you are SOL with your career. Anyone with options and talent will leave. The rest will "dumb down" to fit with management.

It is said that people rise to their level of incompetence, and in too many organizations this is true.
Tips for Success:

Never work for someone you don't admire. You spend too many hours at work to be stuck with a PHB. Ideally, your boss should be someone you can emulate and respect.
Look for employment where you can learn and be mentored. The best employers are interested in the development of their employees and offer them opportunities for growth.
If stuck with the PHB, limit exposure. Stuck with him? Then try to have as little contact as necessary. Practice the art of keeping out of sight and just doing your job. Avoid face to face meetings as much as possible.
Put your name on everything you do. Don't let him take credit for your work; put your name on it. Make sure the upper management knows your accomplishments.
Don't be shy about taking credit for what you do. This is not the time for modesty or being humble. The PHB is not about to acknowledge your efforts so you have to.
Work with fellow employees to give each other credit. It's time to band together for survival. A tight work team can survive the PHB with mutual support, humor and camaraderie.
Nominate each other for awards and honors. Support other employees and make sure that they receive the recognition they deserve. They may return the favor.
Put Dilbert cartoons up by your desk. Maybe the PHB will get the hint.

Free E-mail newsletter, sign up at www.thepeoplepro.com

Check out Barb's other websites at: www.101marriagecounseling.com and www.101personalitytest.com

Successful People Have Difficulty Changing

2006-06-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

A hard working partner at a major law firm, John B., finds that he gets short with co-workers especially when under stress. He is not viewed as a “team player” by other members of the firm and the support staff avoid him. In spite of feedback and coaching from his colleagues, he has experienced little progress in modifying his behavior.

Judy S. struggles with balancing her personal and professional life, often finding herself overcommitted. As a VP of a large health care organization, she also serves on a number of community boards. She has difficulty saying “No” and feels guilty that she is not doing enough for her children. She has tried repeatedly to decrease her work time but seems to be busier each year.

Both of these successful people may find it difficult to change.

There is a “paradox of success,” according to the executive coach Marshall Goldsmith, reported in a Business Strategy Review article. This paradox makes it difficult for successful people to grow and improve. When things are going well, people have little motivation to change. Yet, successful people need to change before they have to change or they will plateau or even decline in effectiveness. Even the most successful leaders can increase their effectiveness by changing some elements of their behavior.

Goldsmith has worked with hundreds of executives in Fortune 100 companies and has found that successful people have four key beliefs that drive their success and, often, limit their growth. These beliefs are:

I choose to succeed. Successful people believe that they are doing what they choose to do, because they choose to do it. They have a strong need for self-determination and do not like feeling controlled or manipulated. They believe that their behavior is a result of their choices and commitments. The “I choose to succeed” belief is highly correlated with achievement. The more we believe that our behavior is a result of our own choices and commitments, the less likely we are to want to change our behavior.
Successful people’s personal commitment can make it hard for them to change.
I can succeed. Successful people believe that they have the internal capacity to make desirable things happen. They do not see themselves as victims of fate; rather they believe that their motivation and ability has driven their success.
Successful people often confuse correlation with causality. Because they get positive reinforcement for results, they may not have an accurate perception of what behaviors drove those results. This can result in “superstitious behavior” where the successful person repeats behavior that they believe was a factor in their success.
Successful people have difficulty realizing that they are successful “in spite” of certain behaviors, not “because of” them.
I will succeed. A contagious sense of optimism is one of the most important characteristics of successful people. They not only believe that they can achieve, they believe that they will achieve. Because they are ambitious and goal oriented, they have difficulty saying “no” to desirable opportunities. They often equate “busyness” with success. Some successful people drown in a sea of opportunity and burn out their staff trying to complete what they have promised.
Successful people are very busy and face the danger of over commitment.
I have succeeded. Successful people tend to have a positive interpretation of their past performance. They consistently over-rate their performance relative to their professional peers. When positive outcomes occur, they believe that their efforts were instrumental to the success. They see their history of what they have done as a validation of who they are and their personal attributes.
Successful people’s positive view of their performance can make it difficult to hear negative feedback from others.

Goldsmith has found that successful people have great difficulty in accepting input from others regarding their behavior. If the feedback does not agree with their perceptions of themselves they tend to deny the information for three reasons: 1) the input is from someone that they do see as their peer or equal in terms of success, therefore it “doesn’t count;” 2) they view input that is inconsistent with their self-image to be “incorrect” and the other person is “confused” or 3) they agree there is truth in the feedback but it could not be important since they are so successful. These are some of the reasons that feedback is not very effective with successful people.

As Denis Diderot once said, “we swallow with one gulp the lie that flatters us, and drink drop by drop the truth which is bitter to us.”

Discover your personality style by taking the Online Personality Test at Personality Test

Ten Tips to Hire the Perfect Speaker for Your Next Event

2006-01-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

You have the dates scheduled, the conference center reserved, and the agenda outlined; but now you need to book the speakers to make the event a success. Perhaps last year the speaker was hard to work with, too expensive, or just plain boring. You want to make sure that the same thing doesn’t happen this year. Here’s ten tips that can help:

Start with the end in mind. As Stephen Covey says, look at the results you want. What is the purpose of the conference? What type of information are attendees looking for? Ask yourself the question, “If everyone got exactly what they need, what would that be?” Be cautious of looking for “motivation.” If motivation and energy aren’t tied with content and a plan, the attendees will lose their enthusiasm shortly after arriving back at work.
Talk to speakers from previous years. Speakers are happy to give recommendations and advice on future speakers. They know that if you like who they recommend, they further build a relationship with you. While the professional speaker will not talk negatively about another speaker, they certainly will be happy to steer you the best person who can meet your needs.
Contact other meeting planners. Talk with other meeting planners about speakers who have been exceptional. You may want to create a “preferred” list that can be used in your industry.
Check credentials. Look at the background for the speaker. Do they have the credentials to speak on their chosen topics? Also look for membership in professional organizations like the National Speakers Association and the American Society for Training and Development. While there are good speakers who do not belong and poor speakers who do, most speakers serious about their own growth belong to one or both of these organizations. Also consider whether the speaker is a Certified Professional Speaker or CSP. This is the highest earned designation of NSA and indicates that the speaker has worked with at least 100 clients, given 250 presentations and has received great reviews.
Ask for testimonials. This can include letters from satisfied clients or a reference list that you can call. Look what others have said about their style, approach and delivery.
Preview the speaker in action. If possible, do this in person. Great speakers are busy speakers and have many local and national bookings. While the presentation or subject may not be what you had in mind, you can evaluate their platform skills and the response of a live audience. A demo video can be used, if necessary; but they often don’t represent the “best” the speaker has to offer.
Arrange a meeting. While this may not always be possible, quality speakers know that face-to-face meetings are a great opportunity. This is your chance to see whether the person is a good fit; for the conference, for the participants and for working with you.
Evaluate the attitude. Beware of the speaker who is egotistical and/or cocky. In the speaking business we call this “believing your own press kit.” It is often the sign of someone who is actually unsure of their talent, preparation, and delivery. The best speakers I know are actually very modest and are focused on the audience not themselves.
Give them information. The more background the speaker receives on the event, the participants, the goals and objectives, the better able she will be to customize the presentation. Great speakers also do their own research by reading annual reports, checking on-line, and reading up in the industry. Some speakers use pre-program questionnaires to gather information. Others prefer a face to face meeting with key players or a telephone conference call with the leadership. Regardless of the approach, the more information the better.
Partner with the speaker. Great speakers are eager to be a part of the entire event. Feel free to contact them to discuss details other than just their presentation. They often have valuable input into layout, AV options, and marketing. Many speakers now have e-mail newsletters and other regular communication with past participants. If appropriate, see if they will publicize and promote the event electronically. Consider a book signing or other opportunity for participants to have access to the speaker. Most speakers are gracious about talking with attendees knowing that this can make the event very special and memorable.

For more information on keynotes, presentations and seminars, please visit: www.ThePeoplePro.com

Let Gratitude be Your Attitude

2006-01-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

Psychologists now know what makes people happy and it has little to do with money, keeping up with the neighbors, or chasing pleasure. The happiest people surround themselves with family and friends and practice a life of gratitude and appreciation.

No one needs to convince me of the value of friends, family, and gratitude, especially when life is hard. Unfortunately, 2005 was the hardest and saddest year of my life. On January 9, 2005, the car our daughter was driving was rear-ended at highway speed by a drugged driver. Our daughter, Stephanie, sustained back and neck injuries and her roommate and best friend, Maura was killed. Friends since the third grade, our families are also best friends. We vacation together in Colorado, Florida and the UP, and have watched the kids grow up together. There are no words to express the sorrow we have experienced.

Yet, this year brought new appreciation into our lives for the wonderful family, friends, and colleagues who supported us with prayers, friendship and love. So many people, who reached out and eased our pain, sustained our efforts and made us laugh. They brought us food, referred us for services, and took us to lunch. I am especially grateful to the people who shared their own stories of loss which gave us hope and direction. As one friend said, “You get up in the morning and put one shoe on at a time. That seems to help.” And it did.

I find myself grateful to the very special people who handle these sorts of tragedies; the highway patrol and legal system who have treated us with compassion and caring. These are very difficult jobs and you hear so little appreciation for what they do.
And in spite of years of attorney jokes, we are grateful to one of our attorney friends who stepped forward to handle things so we could focus on supporting our daughter and dear friends.

The business became a low priority this year, and I am grateful for the many referrals from friends and colleagues that helped with the finances. While we have excellent insurance, it became increasingly clear to me how a series of events can leave a family financially destitute in a short period of time. With limited time and energy to work, the bills mount up quickly.

I am grateful to the many health professionals who have assisted us and living in a country where we have easy access to care. Their suggestions, recommendations and empathy have helped us with both the physical and mental pain of this tragedy. I am appreciative of their expertise and experience.

As we look forward to the New Year, we are focused on letting others know how much we appreciate all they do. We are determined to savor the quiet, simple moments of our lives and live in the present. As psychologist Daniel Gilbert from Harvard University says, “If you knew exactly what the future held, you still wouldn’t know how much you would like it when you got there.” He suggests, “We should have more trust in our own resilience and less confidence in our predictions about how we’ll feel. We should be a bit more humble and a bit more brave.”

This year, we will be working on both.

Dedicated in loving memory of Maura Croke Harmon

www.WhyDidIMarryYouAnyway.com

Milwaukee Author and Motivational Humorist Receives International Award

2005-11-23T11:55:00.000-08:00

(Milwaukee, WI, November 2005) Milwaukee author and motivational humorist, Barbara Bartlein, has earned the National Speakers Association’s Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) designation. She was honored with the association’s highest earned designation during ceremony at the 2005 NSA International Convention held in Atlanta, GA.

Established in 1980, the CSP designation serves as an international measure of professional platform skill and proven speaking experience. To qualify, candidates must meet a combination of educational, professional and performance standards. Currently, less than eight percent of all members worldwide have earned this prestigious designation.

“I wish to thank all the clients, friends, and colleagues who made this happen. I so appreciate your recommendations, references and confidence,” said Bartlein.

NSA requires that candidates for this designation serve at least 100 different clients, give a minimum of 250 presentations and earn at least $250,000 in speaking fees, all within a five year period.

Barbara Bartlein is The People Pro and Past President of NSA-WI. She is a relationship expert and presents on leadership, customer service, teamwork, stress management and working with people. For more information, please visit her website at www.ThePeoplePro.com

How to Deal With Energy Suckers (Negative People)

2005-10-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

We all know some; maybe at work or even at home. The Energy Suckers. They will suck you dry if you fall into their trap.

Energy Suckers are negative people. It’s easy to know when you are with them because the longer the exposure, the more drained you feel. You try to avoid them, but Energy Suckers thrive on spreading bad tidings so they seek you out. They show up in your office, at meetings, and family gatherings.

If they call you on the phone, your stomach starts to hurt as soon as you realize who is calling. While you pretend to listen, you are really thinking of a way to get off the phone. In fact you try to return their calls when you know they won’t be at home or at the office. You just want credit for the call; you don’t really want to talk with them.

While you don’t want to join them in the mud, they seem to know when you are vulnerable and try to pull you in. You may even find, to your dismay that you agree with some of what they are saying.

So how do you protect yourself? Here are some of the common types of Energy Suckers and how to deal with them:

The Seagull—These are often managers or supervisors. They fly by when everyone is busy with a project, deposit garbage all over and soar away after destroying enthusiasm. They tend to pick at details like they are combing the beach, making negative comments as they work. They leave staff and co-workers feeling defeated and unappreciated.
Solution: Obtain careful clarification before starting a project. If there has been confusion in the past with this Sucker, you may want to get things in writing.
The Yeh-Butts—While they pretend to be friendly, their real focus is on the negative. They often use the phrase, “Yeh, but…” They then describe why the procedure, idea, or approach couldn’t possibly work. Experienced “Yeh-Butts” extend their method to other areas of life as well. If you mention the great weather, they say, “Yeh, but it’s supposed to rain by the weekend.” If you tell them they look nice, they say, “Yeh, but this dress really isn’t in style anymore.” They are not happy and they want you to know it.
Solution: Ignore Yeh-Butts and their awful phrase. You may want to charge a quarter when ever someone in the office or at home uses the “Yeh, But” phrase.
The Muck Mixers—These are the folks who love to stir the pot. They look for gossip or “information” that they feel they must know and then take it upon themselves to disseminate the dirt. They adore turmoil and conflict and will feed both if given the chance. Muck Mixers often “keep score” and tend to remember obscure information that can hurt others or their reputations. They are sometimes hard to ignore because their information is SOOO interesting.
Solution: Avoid them like the plague or you will also become fodder for discussion. Their lack of productivity will eventually catch up with them. Make sure you are not standing next to them when they go down.
Melvin Milktoast or Dorothy Doormat—These are the male and female equivalents of the Martyr. They are absolutely convinced that no one has seen the trouble they have. No one works as hard as they do. And they are the only ones who do not get a break. They seem to find trouble and then want everyone to know how they fix things at great personal expense. They may try to make those around them feel guilty with their superhuman efforts.
Solution: Let them work. You have worked too hard to have a balanced life to fall for this game.

Stay away from the Energy Suckers in your life. Spend your time with people who lift you up…not pull you down. You will find your own energy to be contagious.

How Are Your Family Boundaries?

2005-09-24T22:12:00.001-07:00

How are the boundaries in your marriage? Take the following quiz to evaluate.

1. We frequently argue about issues and incidents involving our families.
_____True _____False

2. My spouse believes I spend too much time with my parents/sisters/brothers.
_____True _____False

3. I dread the Holidays because of the demands on our time and needing to “please everyone.”
_____True _____False

4. Family members frequently call me when they have problems.
_____True _____False

5. I feel like we take most of the responsibility for our parents.
_____True _____False

6. I often feel torn between my spouse and my family.
_____True _____False

7. When I say “No,” I feel guilty.
_____True _____False

8. I feel responsible for the problems of others in my family.
_____True _____False

9. I frequently find myself in the middle of a conflict between two other people.
_____True _____False

10. At times, I am emotionally cut off from members of my family.
_____True _____False

11. My family has arguments and conflicts that never get resolved.
_____True _____False

12. We often have family members who become scapegoats for problems.
_____True _____False

Scoring: How many “trues” did you score?
0-1, excellent. You are focusing on your marriage by having respectful boundaries with family.

2-5, very good. Making progress. Look for opportunities to further define your position with the family.

5-9, good. Discuss boundaries with your spouse. Practice saying “No” more often.

10-12, get working. Carefully evaluate the changes you and your spouse need to deal with family more effectively.

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Do You And Your Partner Have Common Interests?

2005-09-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

This exercise is designed for you and your partner to do together. Take the opportunity when you are having coffee or spending some time out together to identify interests you currently do together and ones that appeal to you both for the future.

Circle all activities you and your spouse currently do together, even if only occasionally:

Watching TV
Going to Movies
Reading
Painting
Shopping
Photography
Darts
Pool
Remodeling
Scuba Diving
Sketching
Sky Diving
Biking
Swimming
Theatre
Walking/Running
Roller-blading
Kite Flying
Car Races
Sporting Events
Concerts
Camping
Traveling
Golf
Tennis
X-Country Skiing
Fishing
Collecting
Horseback Riding
Motorcycling
Boating
Cooking
Craft Shows
Weight Lifting
Playing Cards
Board Games
Bowling
Dancing
Hiking
Hunting
Museums
Art Shows
Snowmobiling
Ice Skating
Gardening
Snorkeling
Bird Watching
Landscaping
Downhill Skiing
Model Building
Water Skiing
Others:____________________________________________________

Scoring: How many activities and interests do you have in common?
More than 25: Excellent.
20-24: Very good. Take time for the things you enjoy together.
15-19: Good, look for new opportunities.
10-14: Fair, evaluate what could be added for the two of you to do together.
Fewer than 10, identify new activities you would both like to try.

For more tips on improving your relationship, please visit:http://www.whydidimarryyouanyway.com

How Trustworthy Are You?

2005-09-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

To build the trust in your relationship, start with you. Are you doing your share to build the trust and increase your partner’s confidence in you?

1. When I say I am going to do something, I do it.
Always Sometimes Never
2. If I will be late making a commitment or coming home, I call.
Always Sometimes Never
3. I keep my spouse’s confidences and do not share them with other people.
Always Sometimes Never
4. I am careful not to discuss information about my spouse with other people.
Always Sometimes Never
5. My spouse can count on me to listen to concerns without judgment or ridicule.
Always Sometimes Never
6. When we socialize with other people, my spouse is clearly the most important
person in the room.
Always Sometimes Never
7. When I am angry with my spouse, I am careful not to use information that he or she has confided in me win the argument.
Always Sometimes Never
8. I refrain from name-calling or sarcasm when I am upset with my spouse.
Always Sometimes Never

Scoring: How many “always” did you have?

7-8, excellent. You are a trustworthy person, focused on building trust in your marriage.

5-7, good. Keep working. You will reap results by changing your behavior.

Less than 5. Get busy.

For more tools to build your relationship, buy Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage, at www.whydidimarryyouanyway.com

Are You An Workaholic?

2005-08-25T21:26:00.000-07:00

Justin, a thirty-five year old executive at a high-pressure investment firm works 60-70 hours per week. Even on vacation, he often slips away from the rest of the family to go on-line, check messages and answer phone calls. Until recently, he saw nothing abnormal about his behavior; in fact, everyone at his job works like that.

In the United States, we value work. Americans labor longer hours than workers in any other industrialized nation. In fact, in Western Europe, Americans are viewed as a “nation of workaholics.”

According to a 1998 study by the Families and Work Institute in New York, the average American now works 44 hours of work per week, which represents an increase of 3.5 hours since 1977. This is far more than the workers in France (39 hours per week) and Germany (40). According to a new report from the United Nations International Labor Organization (ILO), “Workers in the United States are putting in more hours than anyone else in the industrialized world.”

The ILO statistics show that in 2000, the average American worked almost one
more week of work than the year before; working an average of 1,978 hours – up from 1,942 hours in 1990. Americans now work longer hours than Canadian, Japanese, or Australian workers.

What are we working for? It’s not vacations. The typical American worker has an average of two weeks of vacation as compared to four - six weeks for their European counterparts.

For happiness? According to regular surveys by the National Opinion Research Center of the University of Chicago, no more Americans report they are “very happy” now than in 1957, despite near doubling in personal consumption expenditures. Indeed, the world’s people have consumed as many goods and services since 1950 as all previous generations put together, yet report that they are not any happier.

There are many costs in working so hard. People tend to cut back on sleep and time with their families. A recent survey found that almost a third of people working more than 48 hours a week said that exhaustion was affecting married life. Nearly a third admitted that work-related tiredness was causing their sex life to suffer, and 14% reported a loss of or reduced sex drive. They also complained that long hours and overwork led to arguments and tensions at home. Two out of five people working more than 48 hours a week blamed long hours for disagreements and said they felt guilty at not pulling their weight with domestic chores.

So how do you know if your job has turned into workaholic habits? Here are some of the warning signs:

Your home is organized just like another office.
Colleagues describe you as hard working, needing to win, and overly committed.
You keep “technology tethers” like cell phones, pagers and laptops with you all times, even on vacations.
Friends either don’t call anymore, or you quickly get off the phone when they do call.
Sleep seems like a waste of time.
Work problems circle in your mind, even during time off.
Work makes you happier than any other aspect of your life.
People who love you complain about the hours you work and beg you to take some time off.

If you experience some of these warning signs on a regular basis, it may be time to
re-evaluate how you are handling work in your life. Next time, how to break the workaholic lifestyle.

For more information on how to improve your relationships and your life, please visit: www.whydidimarryyouanyway.com

How is the Health of Your Relationship?

2005-08-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

The best relationships are friendships that catch fire. How well do you know your partner and their view of the world? Answer the following questions to find out.

I understand my partner's philosophies about life.

Yes ....................No

2. I consider my partner my very best friend.

Yes ....................No

3. We often touch and kiss for no particular reason.

Yes ....................No

4. I call my partner several times a day.

Yes ....................No

5. I understand my partner's dreams for the future.

Yes ....................No

6. We find our sex life is fun and satisfying.

Yes ....................No

7. We touch base everyday about how our day is going.

Yes ....................No

8. We have scheduled activities that we look forward to.

Yes ....................No

9. If I have a problem, I talk with my partner.

Yes ....................No

10. We have similar values and goals.

Yes ....................No

11. I think that my partner has high integrity.

Yes ....................No

12. I can't wait to get home at the end of the day.

Yes ....................No

13. We have favorite traditions for many of the holidays.

Yes ....................No

14. I feel that my partner respects me.

Yes ....................No

15. We enjoy many of the same activities.

Yes ....................No

16. My partner understands my family.

Yes ....................No

17. My partner makes me laugh.

Yes ....................No

How many "Yes" answers did you have?

15 or more: You have a strong relationship built on friendship.

9-14: You have a good base but additional work will enhance your relationship. This is a good time to obtain additional tools.

8 or fewer: Get busy or you and your partner risk your relationship drifting apart.

For more tools to build your relationship, buy Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage, at www.whydidimarryyouanyway.com

Marriage is Good for Your Health, Wealth and Happiness

2005-08-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

Marriage keeps you healthy, US government researchers reported in December. According to a new study by the Center for Disease Control, married people are less likely to smoke, drink heavily or be physically inactive. They are less likely than singles, divorcees or widowed adults to be in fair or poor health and are less likely to suffer from headaches or psychological problems.

“It could by the ‘Nag Factor,’” according to Barbara Bartlein, author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage. “ Spouses tend to nag each other about health related issues such as smoking, drinking, risky behavior and receiving regular medical care.”
Ironically, people have climbed the ladder of success by working long hours and taking on extra projects, often sacrificing time with family. Now, new research demonstrates that they would actually be healthier, wealthier and happier if they concentrated more on their marriage.
There appears to be grave consequences for couples that call it quits too easily that have not been addressed in previous studies. We have created disposable marriages in a throw away culture with little regard to the personal costs for the individual and family.

If you are looking for a long and healthy life, marriage may be part of the answer. Married folks tend to live longer and healthier than their single, divorced or widowed counterparts. And while my husband would claim that it just feels longer, the statistics demonstrate this is true.

Non-marrieds have significantly higher rates of mortality; 50% higher among women and 250% higher among men.
For men, staying married boosts the chance of surviving to age 65 from about 2 out of three to almost 9 out of 10.
The unmarried are far more likely to die from all causes, including coronary heart disease, stroke, pneumonia, cancer, cirrhosis, automobile accidents, murder, and suicide.
Being married improves the mental health for both men and women—there is someone to talk to. Spouses discuss their worries, dreams and disappointments with their partners, which helps relieve stress and anxiety.
Researcher also found that there were positives effects from the “nag factor.” This is; the routine nagging that spouses do to encourage a positive lifestyle and decrease destructive habits such as smoking or drinking to excess.

A healthy marriage may also be the starting point for a growing net worth. Not only is divorce very costly in the short run, the long-term effects of not being married dramatically affect how financially secure you become. Consider:

The longer people stay married, the greater their wealth accumulations.
At retirement, a typical married couple has accumulated about $410,000 compared to about $167,000 for never married, about $145,000 for divorced and just under $96,000 for the separated.
Spouses have better health and life insurance coverage.
The married have increased access to pensions and social security.
Being married provides “insurance.” In case of death, spouses almost always leave their worldly goods—Social Security and pension benefits to their wives or husbands. By getting married, spouses create an “annuity value” that is equal to increasing one’s wealth by 12-14 percent at age thirty and by 30 percent at age seventy-five compared to staying single.
Married people behave more responsibly about money because they have more responsibilities. By pooling money, labor, and time, married people create far more opportunities for building wealth.
There also is a value to IN LAWS—They tend to help a family when needed. In laws also provide potential access to inheritance. About 29% of married couples received financial help from in-laws and about a quarter of families with children received financial transfers in the past five years.

In spite of the jokes and comedy routines, married folks also tend to be happier than their single counterparts.

Married men and women report less depression, less anxiety, and lower levels of other types of psychological distress than do those who are single, divorced, or widowed.
Widowed and divorces persons are about three times as likely to commit suicide.
Marital status is one of the most important predictors of happiness. 40% of the married said they are very happy with their life in general, compared to just under a quarter of those who were single or who were cohabiting.
The commitment to make marriage a priority will have a tremendous impact on your life.
The success prescription for health, wealth and happiness: Work as hard on your marriage as you do on your career.

Get more tips to improve your marriage at www.WhyDidIMarryYouAnyway.com

How Committed Are You to Your Relationship?

2005-08-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

Commitment provides the base, the foundation, for marriage to build. If this building block is shaky, the rest is at risk to tumble down. How would your commitment rate on a scale of one to ten? How much effort do you put into your own commitment?

When I argue with my spouse, I threaten divorce or separation.
Always Sometimes Never
I have stormed out of the house when arguing, not letting my spouse know when I will return.
Always Sometimes Never
I make it clear to my spouse that I have doubts about the future of the marriage and am not sure it “will work.”
Always Sometimes Never
I refrain from telling my spouse that I love him/her, feeling I shouldn’t have to say it.
Always Sometimes Never
I am reluctant to plan for the future because I’m not sure what will happen between the two of us.
Always Sometimes Never
I don’t want to fully commit my money because I don’t know the future of
the marriage.
Always Sometimes Never
I question whether I married the “right” person.
Always Sometimes Never

Scoring: How many “nevers” did you have?

6-7, excellent. You are clear about your commitment and are communicating this to your spouse.

4-5, good. Keep working. You will reap results by changing your behavior.

Less than 4. Actively work on increasing your commitment.

For More Tips to Improve Your Relationship, Buy Your Copy of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? 12.5 Strategies for a Happy Marriage at www.whydidimarryyouanyway.com